Hello 3am girls.. you sound like the most rock and roll people i don’t know… ((and i don’t know loads of people) (but i’ve never heard of people staying up until 3am…. outrageousness))

I’m writing for 2 reasons, firstly on your website it says “Jimmy Choos… check. Notepads… check. Alka Seltzer… we don’t need ‘em! Are you ready? Because the party starts here…” woah, what a mission statement! really up there with the best. However, I just thought I should point out that ‘choos’ is spelt with an E at the end. I don’t know who Jimmy is but if you want him to choose you should probably spell it correctly. But hey, enough of that square stuff, teachers pet or what! omg lol rofl lmoa smiley face wink. Yeah the party starts HERE (there) but make sure you get 8 hours sleep to recharge the batteries, it’s been proven by science to prevent broken toes. I get woken up by my mate Dave at around 3am by him throwing his guts up after emptying a cannister of lighter fuel up his nose (he has some strange addictions) he has broken toes because of lack of sleep… word of warning. 

So my 2nd and main reason for writing, well, I have an EXCLUSIVE story for YOU… involving 2 of our most treasured celebs (short for celebrity) Peter Andre and Kerry Katona (omg they’re soo hot right now) . I saw them doing a weird ritual dance around a pool of blood inbetween Iceland frozen food specialists and the greek restaurant in town the other day. Now, I’m giving this to you ONLY. I have had many written interactions with heat magazine and Nuts magazine however I cannot fulfill a photography project between myself and Nuts as my phone is broken and believe it or not the phone contained a 1.3 megapixel camera which I was to use for said project, so I’m keeping a low profile with them at the moment (don’t ask me how on earth they can fit 1.3 million pixels into a phone, I can only fit 4 pixels in my hand!) 

I was unable to take a photo (of said Peter and Kerry incident - omg they’re so hot right now) but I drew a picture (attached to this email for proof) Now, as I’m sure you’ll appreciate, this story could be worth upwards of 4x100+60-3x43 ££££’s which is why I have removed some of the content, the rest is drawn on tracing paper and when laid ontop of the attached drawing reveals the full horrific picture. I’m willing to sign over all photo (drawing) rights and give up the story in return for a Reading Festival ticket. Now I realise it’s probably too late to send me one via the royal mail (and hey it’s 2009, get with the programme, snail mail is for saddo’s yeah) Here is what I’m suggesting: Piers Morgan used to work with you at the Daily Mirror before he made up stories right? (I’m so glad that has stopped and everything in the paper is true now… phew) He now works on Britain has special needs with Simon Cowell right? now, Reading Festival has many popular musicians and my favouritest musician in the whole wide world is Susan Boyle, she is friends with Piers Morgan and MUST be playing. You could put me on her guestlist to save time with posting? When I first saw her I was like - she’s really ugly there’s no way she can be good, then I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and did you see Simon Cowells face? if he had said bad things i would have shouted boooooooooo and texted in to vote for her millions of times (that’ll show Cowell and his tv company what being mean can do) my mate Dave was shaking on the floor shouting “get this monkey off my back” and I said don’t be silly Dave, it’s not a monkey it’s the greatest singer in the world!!! as for what was going through Simon Cowells mind, in no way was it known to him in advance that she had a bit more talent than her looks suggested and edited to make a story out of something that was actually quite shit. Also if you look back at the footage you can see inside of Amanda Holdens brain and you can see a mouse knawing at her retinas (I think this caused the tears) but I do think she’s well good at things though.

Anyway, back to the point. I’ll set off now and you let me in to Reading Festival and we can have a lemonade together. You’ll probably put some wine in it or something cos you’re mental and stay up late. I can’t believe you stay up until 3am.. I really can’t. I’ll bring my mate Dave who is in Reading at the moment, he got a lift with a rabbit who was having a ride on a rainbow (or at least that’s what he told me) I think he may have had a sugary drink which can make anyone a bit loopy.

Ok see you there,

PS. It really is great work you do (I especially like the feeling when i turn the page and leave the paper where I found it at the chinese takeaway for others to share that feeling of bliss) 

Love you

Matthew

xxx