Dear the Library.

I have to admit I haven’t read a book in a while, the last book I read from cover to cover was Buddy’s Song. It was a bit rubbish, I really like 1984 by Orville (I think he’s a duck) but I have to re-read each chapter as I daydream quite often and lose the plot. It didn’t include my favourite works by him “I wish I could fly, up to the sky, but I cant” (then his friend reassured him he could but Orville was adamant that he couldn’t) it was a tear jerking moment. I was an avid reader of Heat magazine, because I felt it not only represented what I feel is important about world issues but it represents my peers and future generations may benefit from it’s words of wisdom. “The Jordan/Peter story” really enthralled my every literary whim. I was amazed how a man could fall out with an entire country (or should I say a hashemite kingdom?) and for Jordan to side with a fighting man who fights is truly disturbing what with all the bullish attitude currently residing in that part of the world. BUT, back to the point - Myself and heat have had a frosty relationship of late. I write and I call but they ignore me. I now know exactly how Peter Andre feels (dejected/depressed and a useless tossfuck) It really is insania.

Well, I went to one of your amazing establishments the other week with my mate Dave, Dave was in the sci fi section for a long time! trying to get into a picture of a ufo (he injects petrol into his veins due to an ongoing issue with the national trust which I won’t go into right now) I was impressed by the amount of books you have. I counted 23 before I lost count.

The main reason for writing is because of a request I have. In 1999 I went to the Reading Festival. I was a little disappointed as I saw very few books there. Nobody was reading, how can this be? I’m sure as a library you could have words OR… get this for an idea. You get me a festival ticket and I spread the word of books? I will dress up as my favourite author (George Orville) hand out books and employ a silence rule across the site like you do in your libraries. Maybe you could lend me an assistant, possibly a relatively plain looking girl with her hair tied up and wearing glasses who could seductively put her finger to her mouth and make a sound like “shhhhhhh” when the music is playing (it’s very loud at times and people sing a long so you can see the problems I have to deal with here) . At the end of the festival we could slow time down (I’ll have words with Greenwich as they seem to be running the “time” thing at the moment) my assistant could remove the glasses and shake her hair out, people can then leave going wow who was she? I thought she was ugly then time seemed to slow down (we won’t reveal we ACTUALLY slowed time) then they will realise she was a librarian and the word of reading will spread far beyond any festival crowd. I will remain in the Orville costume until the end of the weekend. This is a promise.

So is this a goer? If so could you send me the ticket please (and a George Orville costume) and I’ll do my best 

I have many other ideas to help books in general. It’s a 10 year plan initially including firebombing the place that makes ebooks, I’m sure you’re aware of them. My mate dave smashed one open because he thought the liquid crystal display (also known as LCD for future reference in further correspondence to remove the need for so many brackets to provide an explanation) could be channeled into his tear ducts to give him a boost whilst he was waiting for his order of crack to arrive. The slogan for my anti ebook campaign is thus: “Are you a wanker? you must own an ebook then. you wanker and you chop carrots like a tossface” We can then join forces with the NCA (national carrot association) to further push our message to the general public.. Kerry Katona will be the face of our campaign - she loves carrots too so all we need to do is explain to her what a book is and we’re onto a winner.

Reading Festival ticket please?

Love Books.. love life

Yours eternally

Matthew