Hi National Trust..

I was remembering back to the days when i used to drink cider on your land because nobody ever walked on it and we knew we wouldn’t get told off. I was 4 years old - you have to take some social responsibility for providing me with the platform to take part in this reckless behaviour? also my mate Dave, he’s now addicted to crystal meth after finding a secluded spot on one of your footpaths to partake in “puffing” or “shooting down” or whatever they call it. I have thought of 1 way that we can work through this without me having to tell Mr Brown (first name Gordon) He is a Scottish man who has a button to turn all your land into “affordable housing” that nobody can afford, he’s not in a good mood at the moment cos some mega rich people did a mess on all our faces so beware of his fat finger on the house shaped button. I’m setting up an xfactor type show where people raise issues and the panel (hoping to get Kerry Katona involved) will decide on the important issues of the UK by the means of txt vote. TXT “get fuckered” or “spiffing idea” You could be at risk!! just a polite warning.

My main reason for writing is to ask if you’d take over the Reading Festival site, it’s in Reading but that’s as much as i know. I am available this Friday to help you. We could get Prince Charles involved as he owns a lot of land too - together you’re minted! you could then, as payment for me getting you more land, get me onto the new national trust land in Reading next weekend via the medium of a festival ticket? I am both owed a favour from your lack of land surveillance during my childhood to curb the 4 year old cider drinking generation, which led to Dave and his meth addiction (his face is melting and we need some ice!) But also, I have always supported your organisation. Whenever I sell a vehicle I ALWAYS buy a national trust sticker and air freshener acorn to put in the vehicle to add the “elder generation” responsibility value.

I think this takeover of the site will help your PR a bit too as to be honest you’re a bit dated, all your signs are brown? If you look at the sign at the top of the road from your Cotehele attraction you will see a luminous pink poster advertising a DJ man who is going to spin some records in Newquay soon, I have not seen records spun but I tell you this, I bought tickets after seeing the brightness of the poster - i truly believe you’re missing out on the teen/20 market (thats what we’ll call the promo campaign) We need to use words like the national “trust us like reprezenting floorfillers boomting massive!” and then get DJ whojemaflip to bring his records along and spin them around somewhere (maybe on one of your lovely woodland benches). Then once the crowds are there you can shout about your old buildings that have been there for years and will be for many more years - word of advice: put a playstation in there and then you got a business but until then.. Wisen up. Mines n stuff were kool once but it’s all about stuff n things now, the more they cost the better, and if you can link it to a social networking site then investors will bum you for life! Can you send me ticket or equivalent money if you don’t think there is enough time to take over the festival site? plus spending money, but hold the travel expenses. Thom Yorke is singing in one of the popular bands and he lives up the road from me, so hopefully we can carshare, he diggs the environment you see, he has solar panels on his roof! I’ll take my ipod though cos he doesn’t come across as a barrel of laughs - he’s very good though you should buy an LP by him and his friends (who have radio’s instead of heads)

Thanks 

remember the ticket

forget about Dave doing crystal meth on your footpath

remember the ticket

Respec with best wishes

Matthew