Hi Nuts. Me and my friends (I have almost 300 friends on facebook, 4 on myspace and 2 who aren’t on facebook - I know, they’re sooo 2006) call you dogs! because your called nuts and another word for nuts is bollocks and you are the dogs bollocks! I was on the phone to Dave the other day and I said have you got this weeks copy of dogs? He said Yes. We don’t even need to explain it anymore.. Dave said ROFL, he did have to explain that to me but now i understand he meant he was rolling on the floor laughing.. it was well LOL. I lolled all over the place.

Anyway, I don’t know if you’re friends with anyone from heat magazine? I think they’re a bunch of wankers/really nice people (delete as applicable) They refuse to respond to my correspondence. I’m sure DOGS will understand my plight a bit better (because of dogs bollocks! see earlier joke explanation) I’m looking to get into Reading Festival for free. What can I offer you in return I hear you ask? Well, i reply, your magazine has a lot of tits in it right? Women have tits, around half the festival crowd are women which is around 44,500 ladies. That means 89,000 individual tits (44,500 pairs of tits on a per human lady basis) Now, the tit count in your magazine is mightily impressive, but how about a Reading Festival special with pictures of tits from the festival? I have just bought a new printer which might be a good way for us to print the special? I have also purchased 2 colour ink cartridges because they were 2 for the price of 1 at tesco supermarket (maybe you should pop down to bring the price of the magazine down? bargains should never be missed). I also operate an impressive camera set up - my phone has a 1.3 megapixel camera BUILT IN!!! This way I can phone you to update you on how our project is going whilst taking pictures. I do not have a flash so will only take pictures during daylight, unless you have a torch i could borrow? I could gaffa tape the torch to my phone (which has the inbuilt 1.3 megapixel camera) and we could get night pictures too?

Anyway. I’ll start the layout for the Rea’DD’ing Fes’TIT’ival special and you send me the ticket yeah?

Brilliant.

Heat are tossers

Best Wishes

Matthew